For Sale:Bonnie and Clyde

When I was in college and one of us had a bad day or was frustrated, we would climb on top of my roommate's old car named the Zonda and huck canning jars that were wrapped in plastic bags down to the ground. We would do this until the jar was broken into millions of pieces, symbolically getting our bad day out of our system. It was quite exhilarating a times.

Now that I am a mom and know the value of one of those canning jars- they can be quite pricey- I would not participate in such destructive activities. Besides, the fact that my "Bonnie and Clyde" already climb on top of the roof of their car shows that they do not need any ideas on what could make the experience more fun. So instead of throwing jars to get rid of my bad day, I turn to the written word, in hopes that at the end of it I can laugh. And now my story:

My day began at 5:45 A.M. Good days do not start at this time. I had a doctor's appointment at 8:00 A.M. Now, your probably thinking, "Wow, that's a lot of time to get ready for an 8:00 A.M. appointment." But that's not true when you have 3 little ones to get ready. I was making good time; the baby got up at her usual 6:20 A.M for her first feeding. John-David was getting ready to leave and asked me if I wanted the other kids' door open because I had to leave by 7:00 A.M., and I would need them to eventually get up. Well as soon as he did that, Jocelyn came bounding down the stairs. This is the same child that was up at 10:00 P.M. the night before, just because. Here she was, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. I finished feeding Kelsey, chucked some food the other kids' way and loaded them in the family van. I made my way to Marianne's, dumped the oldest 2 off and was back en route to the Dr.'s. I was making some good time. By 7:45 I was at the office and only had time to read one paragraph of an article about saving money while grocery shopping before I was called back. The nurse did her thing and then she said, "The doctor will be in shortly." Shortly my eye! I know I was the first patient there and I know I even beat some of the staff but for some reason I still had to wait 40 minutes for the doctor to walk in, do a few things, tell me I am fine and he'll see me next year. I got up at 5:45, dragged kids out of bed, forced my friend Marianne out of bed to watch my kids, all for a 3 minute visit!!! So I packed the baby back up and headed back to get my kids.

By 9:10 A.M. I was knocking on Marianne's door to get my kids. I had all morning free now so I thought we would stay and visit for awhile. The kids wanted to go to the park so we thought, "Why, not?" Jackson and his friend Ryan ran out ahead of the moms as we were trying to get our babies packed up. The boys started to do what boys do - throwing rocks. Marianne got after them and they stopped....or at least for the moment. My son couldn't leave it at that, oh no, he had to find a big rock, one that he could really wrap his hands around and threw it at a car!! But it couldn't be any old beater car that had probably had a rock or two thrown its way before. Oh no, that's not my luck. Nothing but the best for my son. He choose a very nice new one. In fact, pretty sure I saw paper plates on it a few months ago. The rock landed smack dab on the hood of the car. Good thing his father has really taught him how to throw so accurately, it's really paying off. So I try to do the good mother thing and march my young son right to the door of the owner of the car so he can learn responsibility for his actions and at least some good could from this. I knocked and knocked but to no avail. There went that lesson. After a time out, we decided to go to the park and try the owner again on our return trip back to our car. After a very short stint at the park, we decided to leave because someone thought it was much cooler to play in the runoff drain than the playground. Stopping back at the owner of the car again was fruitless. I put my kids in the car so they couldn't chuck any more rocks at cars, but didn't buckle them up. Cardinal rule of parenting: Always buckle child up even if you are not leaving yet. I got some paper from Marianne so I could write a note to the owner of the car as to why there were some pin stripes on the hood that weren't there previously. When I returned to the car, I got to watch the tail end of Jocelyn dumping the entire contents of my purse onto the front seats of the car. My purse hadn't been cleaned out in awhile and there was a lot of stuff for her to throw. I promptly buckled them up and raced home hoping that I could get Jocelyn down for a nap before she caused more destruction.

When we got home they wanted lunch, so I tossed sandwiches at them. Jocelyn apparently just loved hers because she just poked her fingers in it, making a very lovely picture. I tried putting her down for her nap but she didn't want to go. Finally after an hour she fell asleep. There was a bit of calm for awhile. At that point, I got some good news when the owner of the car called and informed me the dent probably was there already. Even if it wasn't true, it was sure nice to hear. I know my son's aim is pretty good, but what are the odds that we find his rock on the only spot of the entire hood that had previous scratch marks? But whatever, we'll take it.

My quiet solitude was finally broken as Jocelyn woke up. She claimed she never fell asleep, and at this point I am willing to believe it because when Jocelyn gets tired, she also gets destructive! We tried doing some different things but fights kept breaking out so I thought, "Lets go on a walk." The kids thought that was a great idea. I thought it would occupy them for awhile and we would all be happy. After pulling out the double stroller, and with Jackson on his bike, we started on our normal walking route. About half-way through it, Jackson announces that he wanted a snack. When I tell him that we'll have to go home to get one, he decides that's what he wants to do. So we turn around, but then he says he can't ride his bike anymore. I give him the pep talk that he can, and we move forward for about a half a block. Again, he tells me he can't do it, this time throwing himself on the ground for emphasis. Those who have seen him do this know what I am talking about. There is no negotiating with him at this point. Jocelyn, taking advantage of her brother's sudden incapacity, decides she wants to ride the bike. They end up switching places, only Jocey doesn't want to wear the bike helmet because it's not her pink one. We go back and forth on why we wear the helmet and finally I just stick it on her head, snap it on and walk off. She whined about it but at least she started moving. It was a rather hot and humid afternoon and I was done with our walk. At this point, Jocelyn is on the bike, but she can't peddle it. Instead, she uses her feet to move the bike. She moves on it pretty well like that but not fast enough for a walk. We make it another half block and she decides that she's done, too. So I convince Jackson to scoot over in the front seat, I put Jocelyn next to him and I carry the bike. I was pushing about 80 pounds of kids in my double stroller plus carrying a bike. If I wasn't tired before, the walk certainly sealed the deal. I just love spring walks!

Returning home from the walk, I put the kids in the backyard, shut the gate and open the garage to put the stroller away. This took me maybe one minute. I opened the door to our house only to find that Jocelyn had opened the back door, gone into the kitchen, grabbed the apple chips from the counter and chucked them all over the floor. Do you see a pattern here? I promptly grabbed her and put her into timeout. When I went back to her we discussed what she needed to do, which was to clean up her mess. She began picking them up and then scattered them even further than before. This time, I put her in her bedroom. I vacuumed up the rest of the apple-chips because I wasn't going to give her more ammunition. I went back upstairs to her and we discussed the situation. She decided that she would clean up the play room, instead, as her consequence. Going back downstairs I realized that the baby needed a diaper change because she had leaked through on to her clothes. At the same time Jackson announces that he needs to use the restroom and will need my assistance when he is done. I go back upstairs and change Kelsey's diaper and clothes. Now, I don't think I would break any world records but I am pretty sure I did this quite fast. I was up there maybe 2 minutes... and then I heard laughing. It's the kind of laughing that I fear! It's done by both Bonnie and Clyde at the same time and it's a laugh that says "We are making bad choices." I ran downstairs to find Jocelyn in the bathroom, with Jackson, sucking on the end of the Resolve Carpet Cleaner bottle, actively spraying it into her mouth! Jackson was also wet from her spraying but now, because he can see the rage in my eyes, turns on his partner in crime and yells,"Jocely, I am very mad at you. You got my new shirt all wet". Flustered as to what to do, I grab the phone to call John-David and a cup to start giving her water. After explaining the situation to him, he tells me to give her some fluids and then call Poison Control. I looked down at Jocelyn as she was pouring the cup of water, which I had just given her to drink, into a bowl and then into the heating duct. I deemed that she was unaffected by the chemical she just drank but for kicks and giggles sake called Poison Control anyways. They determined that the Resolve could possibly make her throw up, but that would be it. At least she chose a less harmful chemical. Way to go Joce!!!

By this time I was thinking of ways to sell the kids on E-bay and wondering how much jail time I might get. Dinner was about done (how, I'm not sure) and Kelsey was wanting to go down for another nap. I ran upstairs to lay her down and returned to find Bonnie and Clyde dipping their hands into our water cups at the dinner table. This was my breaking point!!! I marched everyone upstairs and put everyone including myself in a time out. After the steam had stopped coming from my ears I let them out of their holding pens, aka their bedroom, and mine. After a discussion about appropriate manners, we returned downstairs. Then I got the word that recruits were on the way- Dad was coming home! I sat Jackson at the table to eat his dinner, sent Jocelyn to clean up the playroom and I sat at the table counting the minutes until he arrived. Shortly thereafter my knight in shining work clothes arrived in his silver stallion. At last I got some reinforcements. And we all lived happily ever after.....well until tomorrow at least.